INTRODUCTION
One of the reasons that this topic interests me so much is that I have officiated weddings and later watched a few of those couples get divorced. To watch the death of a marriage that I helped establish is emotionally painful. The truth is that it is not unusual for young couples to run past all kinds of warning signs because their feelings were running high and they desperately wanted to be married.
THE WORLD’S STANDARD FOR DATING
The world’s standard for dating (and marriage) is largely based whatever the changing desires of the individual may be. For wisdom when it comes to relationships, dating, and marriage we must look to God’s Word. In Genesis 1 and 2 we find that God is the One who designed marriage. When we disregard God’s blueprint for dating and marriage we should not be surprised when we find the divorce rate so high here in America.
CHRISTIANS STRUGGLE WITH DATING TOO
I think Christians struggle with dating for a couple of main reasons.
Often times parents, and churches, don’t spend any time talking about what the Bible has to say about singleness and dating. Not sure why, it just seems to get avoided.
Something else that is undeniably true is that Christians have adopted the world’s standard when it comes to dating practices.
SEX IS FOR MARRIAGE (BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN)
This is a non-negotiable. No matter what people say, or how they might argue, the Bible is quite clear about this.
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” –Hebrews 13:4
“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” -1 Corinthians 6:18
“For you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” -1 Corinthians 6:20
Is living together before marriage really a sin?
DON’T DATE A NON-CHRISTIAN OR A LUKE-WARM CHRISTIAN
I have seen people make SO many compromises in this area and most often it turns out very badly. Make the decision now that the person you are going to date, the person you are going to marry, is a person that knows and loves Jesus Christ.
“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” -2 Corinthians 6:14
“You will recognize them by their fruits.” –Matthew 7:16
So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. –Revelation 3:16
HOW FAR IS TOO FAR WHEN IT COMES TO BEING PHYSICAL IN A DATING RELATIONSHIP?
What is sexual immorality (PORNEIA)?
PORNEIA is a word that describes kind of sexual activity outside the bounds of proper sexual conduct.
“In both the ancient Jewish world and Greco-Roman contexts, sexual immorality would have included any kind of sexual activity between an unmarried man and a respectable unmarried woman…Needless to say, our contemporary dating practices would have been completely foreign to the first century context.” –Sex, Dating, and Relationships by Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas
Here is the really important thing, this is the wrong question (how far is too far when dating) for the couple to be asking! The correct question is, how can you respect the person you are with and stay as far away from sin/temptation as possible?
PRACTICAL TIPS TO STAY AWAY FROM COMPROMISE AND SEXUAL SIN
“Flee from sexual immorality.” -1 Corinthians 6:18
Don’t put yourself in compromising situations.
Make a firm resolution in your own heart to obey God in every aspect of your dating life.
Have godly, accountable relationships (same gender). You will have to take the initiative on this.
PURSUE FRIENDSHIP BEFORE DATING
The worldly system of dating is fatally flawed! Why do I say that? There is way too much pressure (especially when it comes to being physical). Then the pressure is coupled with isolation from others. If the person you are dating is influencing you like this you need to know that something is terribly wrong.
Hanging out as friends, with other friends, is a great way to proceed without all the drama that comes from worldly dating practices.
GET FEEDBACK AND COUNSEL FROM MENTORS AND GODLY PEERS
You need to be willing to get advice from those who are spiritually mature about your dating relationship. A fear or reluctance to do this is actually a warning sign that something is wrong!
Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. -Proverbs 11:14
THINGS TO LOOK FOR IN A PERSON BEFORE YOU SERIOUSLY DATE THEM
They know and love Jesus (not merely playing a religious game so that you will date them). Have them explain how they became a Christian. Things like “I was baptized”, “I grew up in a Christian home”, “I love God” are totally inadequate. People are saved when they recognize that they are sinners separated from God, they experience godly sorrow, they genuinely believe that Jesus died in their place, and they repent of their sins (Mark 1:15). From that point in time there is a change in the way that they live…they now live for Jesus (James 2:20).
They are deeply connected to others in the local church. Come on! Is the person being involved in a church really that big of a deal?
They are interested in growing spiritually by reading the bible and praying.
They treat you with respect.
TO KEEP DATING (OR ANYTHING ELSE) FROM BECOMING AN IDOL YOU NEED TO TAP INTO THE EXPULSIVE POWER OF A NEW AFFECTION
I knew a girl in my youth group in Phoenix that spent her whole life going from one guy to another trying to fill the hole in her heart. It sounds like I am exaggerating but I’m not. What she needs, what we all need, is the power of the gospel.
“There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.” –Blaise Pascal
Thomas Chalmers (Scottish Pastor) explains regarding the power of a new affection, “We only cease to be the slave of one appetite because another taste has brought it into subordination. A youth may cease to idolize sensual pleasure, but it’s only because the idol of material gain has gotten the ascendancy. There is not one personal transformation in which the heart is left without an object of ultimate beauty and joy. Its desire for one particular object may be conquered, but its desire to have some object is unconquerable. The only way to dispossess the heart of an old affection is by the expulsive power of a new one.”
Only Jesus Christ is sufficient to fill our hearts with what we truly need to say no to both temptation and despair.
DEALING WITH PAST REGRETS AND MORAL FAILURES/SINS
How should you deal with past sin and sexual compromise?
- Confess your sin.
- Repent of your sin.
- Bask in the amazing grace and forgiveness of Jesus Christ!
Here are a couple articles that will help guide you:
The Gospel Frees You From the Shame of Sexual Sin
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
What are some of the biggest mistakes that you see people making when it comes to dating?
Why should you avoid dating a lukewarm Christian or a non-Christian?
What advantages do dating friendships (as discussed in this article) have over traditional dating relationships?
How does the “expulsive power of a new affection” relate to dating? Or to ask the question a different way, how does the gospel help keep dating from becoming an idol in our life?
JANE EYRE IS MY HERO
The quote below is Jane explaining her thoughts regarding the temptation to pursue a romantic relationship that she knows is not pleasing to God.
Still indomitable was the reply–“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad–as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth–so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane–quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart is beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot” –Jane Eyre
HELPFUL RESOURCES
PURE: Why the Bible’s Plan for Sexuality Isn’t Outdated, Irrelevant, or Oppressive by Dean Inserra
“Pre-Engagement: 5 Questions to Ask Yourselves” by David Powlison
MichaelWallenmeyer.com 