When I was an Associate Pastor in Chicago one of the ministries I led was for singles. Now I am a pastor in South Dakota and my wife and I have started a new ministry for single, young adults. It’s nothing fancy. No smoke machines. No bells and whistles. We meet every Tuesday night, serve dinner, have some fun, spend time getting to know each other, and most importantly we dig into the Word of God. In this article I want to share some thoughts that will be both encouraging and challenging for singles (and everyone in the church).

1-I APOLOGIZE FOR THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE NOT ALWAYS BEEN VALUED AND CARED FOR IN THE LOCAL CHURCH

Without a doubt the church has not been great when it comes to loving and caring for single people. I don’t think it is necessarily an intentional thing, but often times all of the church’s energy is on marriage and family and singles can feel left behind. If you have experienced this I want to say that I am sorry and it is not the way it should be. How important was the Apostle Paul (a single man) to the New Testament church? Seeing how he wrote most of the New Testament, planted churches, and still serves as an inspiration to us today we can safely say that single people are critically important to the life of the church.

If you are married and you are wondering what you can do to connect and reach out to singles HERE is a great article for you to read.

2-IT’S COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE IF YOU FEEL SIGNIFICANT EMOTIONAL PAIN AS A SINGLE PERSON

I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears;
I drench my couch with my weeping. -Psalm 6:6

Out of my distress I called on the LORD; the LORD answered me and set me free. -Psalm 118:5

I have spoken with enough singles to know that it can feel quite lonely when it seems like everyone around you is married or getting married. Allow me to make it personal. I did not get married until I was 27 and there were many times in both high school and college that my heart ached for a girlfriend.

Sam Allberry does a great job describing the silent pain that singles endure:

“It is no surprise that weddings can be a little bittersweet for single people. We’re genuinely happy for our friends as they marry. But there can also be a sense of loss. It is the start of a new era for the couple. But the end of an era for our friendship. A single friend of mine in his late forties, recently said that the marriage of one of his closest friends felt like a bereavement. It feels as though you’ve been demoted. One writer, Carrie English, describes feelings of rejection that come when attending the wedding of friends. Two people announcing publicly that they love each other more than they love you. There is not denying that weddings change friendships forever. Priorities have been declared in public. She’ll be there for him in sickness and in health, till death do they part. She’ll be there for you on your birthday or when he has to work late. Being platonically dumped wouldn’t be so bad if people would acknowledge that you have the right to be platonically heartbroken. But it’s just not part of our vocabulary. However much our society might pay lip service to friendship, the fact remains that the only love it considers important, important enough to make a huge public celebration, is romantic love.”

-Sam Allberry, 7 Myths About Singleness

Why even mention this struggle, this pain that single people experience? First, it is to let single people know that they are seen and there are people who understand what they are going through. Second, those who are married in the church need to understand these issues so that they are better prepared to build relationships and love the singles that God has brought into the church.

3-FIND CONTENTMENT IN CHRIST WHILE YOU ARE SINGLE

I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:10-13

Immediately I want to say that I know this is much easier to say than to do! In fact, I think contentment in Christ is one of the most fundamental struggles that all believers have. Why do people drink too much? Why do people become obsessed with their career? Why do people run from relationship to relationship? It all comes down to finding our contentment, our joy, in Christ. So from the very beginning I want to meet you where you are at and admit that finding contentment in Christ is imperative, but I know it is not easy.

If you have a strong desire to meet the right person and get married that is completely understandable and it probably means that God will lead you in that direction. As I alluded to before, when I was single finding a girlfriend, and eventually a wife, was one of my primary desires. This is good and normal.

But you need to be on guard against the temptation to make romance, finding a spouse, and getting married a idol in your life. What are some signs that finding the right person has become an idol in your life?

-The pursuit of romance becomes the main thing in your life.

-It’s what you think about and what you talk about all the time.

-You have a hard time feeling joyful unless you are in a romantic relationship.

-You start making spiritual and moral compromises with the people you date because you are losing faith that God will provide for you.

“We will always prefer lesser satisfactions to the satisfaction of Christ, because the lesser ones appeal to the god of self—a ravenous, insatiable, fickle idol indeed—while satisfaction in Christ requires that we assassinate that god. We won’t know what it really means for the joy of the Lord to be our strength until we’ve had intravenous idolatry yanked out and all other crutches kicked away. For many of us, Jesus won’t be our absolute treasure until we are out of options.”

-Jared C. Wilson, Gospel Wakefulness

3-GET INVOLVED IN THE CHURCH

“…not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and ball the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

Hebrews 10:25

We were designed by God to be in community in the local church. There is a very good chance that you did not see this modeled by your parents. Too often parents “disciple” their children in such a way that the kids believe that church is just not all that important. So naturally these kids grow up thinking they can live their life without the hassle of church. You must make the decision, for your own good, to build deep relationships in the local church. You will need to make this important step of faith otherwise you will find that you get stuck spiritually and not become the person that God wants you to become.

“Christians who isolate themselves and walk alone, are very liable to grow drowsy. Hold Christian company, and you will be kept wakeful by it, and refreshed and encouraged to make quicker progress in the road to heaven.”

C.H. Spurgeon

IMPORTANT QUESTION: What are some key things you need to be looking for in a church?

-A focus on the mission of the church, making disciples. This should be the main thing for every church (Matthew 28:16-20). Is there a plan for discipleship that people in the church know and understand? If not you run the risk of being led into consumerism and not discipleship.

-Expositional preaching. Does the preacher read and dig into one passage of Scripture? Or, are you, in truth, learning more about what the preacher believes than you are what the Bible teaches? If this is the case, keep looking for a church that values and teaches the Word of God! Do you need a a more complete understanding of expositional preaching? Go HERE.

-Joy. Is there a sense of joy in the leaders, members and in the church as a whole? Not something they fake, but something that reflects that they are grateful that they once were lost but now they are found.

-Godly leadership. Is there a plurality of elders? Or is there really one person who is running the show? Do the leaders meet the qualifications of 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9?

Understanding the centrality of the gospel. Can you see how all that the church does flows from from the truth of the gospel? Do various ministries talk about the gospel on a regular basis? Do the preachers keep coming back to the power and beauty of the gospel over and over again?

4-GOD HAS GIVEN YOU THIS TIME OF BEING SINGLE SO THAT HE CAN USE YOU FOR HIS GLORY

“I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.”

1 Corinthians 7:32

In 1 Corinthians 7:32 the Apostle Paul is letting single people know that they are given this time in their life to love God and to love others. Singleness is not a holding pattern where you are merely waiting in limbo for the right person to come along. Paul is encouraging single people to use their time for redemptive purposes. Paul’s command is backed up by the fact that he certainly practiced what he preached. Paul was single and he knew that his singleness gave him the blessing of extra time to make much of Christ.

5-DATE THOSE WHO ARE GOING TO STRENGTHEN YOU IN YOUR CHRISTIAN FAITH

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”

1 Corinthians 6:14

I have been in full-time ministry for 20 years. I could tell you an endless number of stories of single people who were feeling the burden of being lonely, end up marrying someone that they should not marry, and one year later they are completely disconnected from the church and living a lukewarm existence. It is a tragedy but it happens all the time. This is one of the reasons that I take very seriously my pre-marital counseling with soon to be married couples. I want to spare these precious couples a lifetime of heartache of being married to someone that is not genuinely following Jesus and making him first in their life.

Which means you need to really wise who you date. Why? Because once you start dating the feelings (a drug known as romance) starts kicking in. In Proverbs 4:23 we are told about the importance of protecting our heart, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” Make the commitment ahead of time to only pursue a man or woman of God.

Thoughts? Questions? I would love to hear from you!