My Personal Story Of Being Hurt By The Church

I was about nine years old when I and my entire family were sitting in a congregational meeting where everyone in the church was voting on whether or not they were going to fire my dad as their pastor. The feeling that I can remember most clearly is fear. Questions that were running through my mind were things like, why are they doing this to my dad? My dad of all people? Why are they doing this to my family? Why are they hurting us like this?

The town where these painful memories took place is Needles, California. I did visit Needles with my father before he passed away. Why? I have always been extremely nostalgic regarding the days of my youth and I wanted to go back and see the places I had lived one last time. Needles was a small town when I lived there and it seems to be shrinking (and deteriorating) all the time.

The church in Needles, California

The people from our church voted and that meant that my dad was out of a job and we were left with a tremendous amount of hurt feelings and wondering where in the world we were going to live. I was a little boy at the time but even at that age I knew that the reasons for our church to vote against my dad were all based on personal preferences. My dad was the most godly man I have ever known. He never had a “moral failure”. There were enough people that did not like him and they stirred up trouble and they won. Dad was out. Our family was out.

Our church in Needles was supposed to be the kind of place where we loved and took care of each other. Instead it became a place of lies, gossip, and people treating each other with cruelty.

The Impact Of The Trauma We Experienced

So, how did we as a family respond to all of this? I have three older brothers and a younger sister. Both of my parents have since passed away. I want to be careful about talking about my family in a public way out of respect for them. But I think it is OK to share a little bit with you so that you can stay away from some of the pitfalls that we fell into.

My mom remained hurt and bitter her entire life. Bitterness is a deadly spiritual cancer. It makes me think of this quote, “Bitterness is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.” One of the primary ways that this bitterness was manifested in my mother’s life was a deep, life-long depression. One of my brothers developed an anger from being hurt by the church in Needles and I think he would acknowledge that he still struggles with this anger to this very day. He has stayed away from the church ever since he moved away from home.

“See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.”

-Hebrews 12:15

Me? There was a time in my teen-age years where I thought that I would never go into full-time ministry. Not only was my entire family hurt by the church but we were usually hovering right near the poverty line. I still remember giving the cafeteria lady at my school a free lunch ticket that broadcast to the entire world (so it seemed) that I was poor. At that age I was overly concerned by what others thought of me so you can imagine the kind of embarrassment I felt. So as I grew up the idea of going into pastoral ministry became repulsive to me. Why would I ever put myself and my future family through all of that?

Relevant Side Note (The Largest And Fastest Shift In Religious History)

We are currently undergoing the largest and fastest shift in religious history. What is it? 30 to 50 million Americans used to go to church but no longer do. Certainly a part of this troubling trend has to be people who have been hurt by others in the church. Which means we need to have some idea how we are going to help and care for these people who have been wounded by those that they trusted the most.

The Reason I Am Thinking About All Of This

So, what stirred me up and caused me to relive all these painful memories? I was sitting in a coffee shop recently with a very young family and the wife told me that she and her family had gone through a church split and her dad never went back into pastoral ministry. Immediately my mind started racing back to the congregational meeting back in Needles when I was a little boy. I wanted to help her and her family. I started to ask about her siblings and parents to see how they are doing these days. My heart went out to her because I have lived through it myself.

Everyone can experience heartache in the church. It is not reserved just for pastors and their families. If you are in the church long enough you are going to be offended or hurt in someway. Quite honestly it is unavoidable. What can I tell you that will help? That really is the goal of all this, to help people who have been hurt in the church.

A Few Words Of Encouragement

I’m really sorry you were hurt in the church. It’s not the way it should be. You trusted people and they let you down. Of course it is entirely possible that what you have dealt with is much worse than just being ‘let down’. There are times when the hurt is abusive and evil. I’m genuinely sorry.

Be aware of the long-term damage that unforgiveness will cause in your life and in the the life of those closest to you. I know, it does not seem fair that we have to forgive people who are unrepentant or show no remorse. Yet we need to be aware that the hurts that we have experienced can cause bitterness that may rob us of our joy in Christ. Again, I use my mother as an sobering example. Decades after the church hurt that she experienced she was still holding onto bitterness and it affected her entire life.

Open up and talk about it. Seriously, this is a huge step. Talk with a trusted friend, or counselor, that will truly listen to you. Be willing to process out loud what you have gone through. Often times these painful memories get buried deep beneath the surface of our soul but they end up causing havoc that we may not even be aware of. We run from it, we hide from it, we try to escape or distract ourselves from it…but it’s still there. Working through your trauma with someone who understands the power of the gospel will go along way when it comes to receiving the emotional and spiritual healing that you long for.

Look to all the ways that Jesus has shown grace to you personally. The personal love and grace that I have received from Jesus still blows me away. The single reason that I do what I do as a pastor is based on the beauty and grace of Jesus. He loved me when I was lost in my sins. He loved me when I pursued pleasure and walked away from him in my late teens. I have hurt Jesus time and time again and yet he continues to love me and pursue me. I can not possibly express in words what the forgiveness and grace of Jesus means to me. If you look for very long you will see all the ways that Jesus has been extremely gracious to you.

Look to all the ways that you see the grace of Jesus in the Gospels. Jesus was constantly hurt by those who were closest to him. Judas Iscariot betrayed him with a kiss. Peter lied and denied that he even knew Jesus. Think of how amazing it is that in spite of all of this Jesus loved them (and us) and died on the cross so that they might have eternal life.

The only place we can possibly turn when it comes to dealing with the pain we have experienced in the church is to Christ. When we begin to see his great love and forgiveness for us and others who have offended him, when we really get it, then we have the power to forgive others. It does not mean that we put ourselves back into an abusive relationship. But it does mean that we have the supernatural ability to not let bitterness dominate our lives.

You still need the church. The temptation is strong when it comes to the idea of distancing yourself from the church and any future pain you may experience. I know this is hard to hear right now but a large part of your healing will come from relationships of other brothers and sisters in Christ. You will also need to be aware that your adversary will come to you and whisper all kinds of lies in the middle of your pain. He will tell you that in order to protect yourself you need to stay away from ever making yourself vulnerable again. He will tell you that no one else has gone through this. He will definitely try to isolate you, make you weak, and lead you to believe that you are safe in your solitude. Your spiritual enemy is the father of lies.

I am not saying that genuine forgiveness is easy. Most of the time it is the hardest thing we will ever do. But as we turn our attention off of ourselves and onto Jesus we find the power and inspiration that we lacked on our own.

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

Resources to help you when it comes to healing and forgiveness:

My sister-in-law has an excellent study about forgiveness. “Joseph – Women’s Bible Study Participant Book: The Journey to Forgiveness” by Melissa Spoelstra.

“Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy: Discovering the Grace of Lament” by Mark Vroegop is a great resource to begin the biblical process of healing from grief and past hurts (of all shapes and sizes).